With the holidays upon us soon, we think about family gatherings, where they will occur, who will be there, how we’ll interact. Many times with family, extended family, or friends there may have been a relational disconnect. It could be from divorce, misunderstanding, hurt feelings, damaging interactions, etc. It may be awkward during holiday gatherings no matter what caused the conflict. Some even refuse to attend holiday events because of the discomfort. So thinking about the possibility of reconciliation may be a part of holiday preparation. Though it’s not as much fun as decorating, it may be the one ingredient to smooth tensions for everyone.
Some questions to consider beforehand: Are you ready to reconcile? How do you know if you are? If you are, what can you expect to encounter in the course of resolution? Laura Davis, the author of I Thought We’d Never Speak Again: The Road from Estrangement to Reconciliation provides information, guidance, and her personal story in this remarkable book.
Whether reconciling with family members or friends, you do need to determine if you are really ready to go through with the process. Have you worked through your feelings enough to approach this person in a new way? Are you ready to take responsibility for your role in what happened? Have you developed a sense of compassion for this person? Have you moved beyond fantasies of revenge and retaliation? Can you move forward in this relationship even if you receive no apology or acknowledgement that you were wronged? Are you being realistic about the other person and have you given up the fantasy that the person will change? Would a limited relationship be acceptable if that is all that is possible? Can you be in this relationship and still feel good about yourself? In spite of the risks involved in reaching out, are you willing to face the worst of possibilities? Do you have what it takes to rebuild this relationship? Answering yes to most of these questions is a signal that you are ready to begin to take the next step in reconnecting. Answering no to most of the questions is a signal that more time might be required before it happens or that you do not want to reconnect at all.
If ready to reach out, then some guidelines can be helpful. Take gradual steps and sincerely express the desire to let things evolve. Without controlling the interaction or saying too much at first, let the other person have a chance to talk. Ask this person what he/she needs, again demonstrating your sincerity and willingness to listen. When you listen, do it with your whole being even if what is said is painful to you. Listen without planning what you will say next; attending to words, intonations, body language, and what isn’t spoken as well as what is spoken.
Think before speaking. It is easy to say too much when feeling anxious and uncertain. Silence is okay. Words are not the only way to communicate intent. Though talking about what happened in the past is essential, it can be more effective to begin reconciliation in a non-threatening way before tackling difficult subjects that are likely to bring up strong emotions, conflict, and old resentments. It helps to save the “hard stuff” for a time when trust has been re-established.
Take responsibility for mistakes made or things that could have been handled differently. A powerful way to disarm defenses and establish credibility is with a sincere apology with no strings attached.
Be in the moment, breathing and staying present with what is happening now. Pay attention to feelings and body sensations so you can focus and know how things are going for you. This is not about the past or about projecting into the future. When all that is shared is a painful past, there may not be much incentive. Don’t worry about getting everything you want or need right away. You may have to do more than your share of work at first or make some compromises to get things going.
Efforts at reconciliation rarely happen smoothly so expect some ups and downs. Breakthroughs, setbacks, grit and determination, and moments of grace are common. Creating a new future together can be one of life’s greatest opportunities for growth, understanding, and reward. Relationships are puzzling. They are also the greatest context for learning about others and self. In the end we’re all more alike than we think.
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